ON MY HEART

So posting about this has been on my heart for a while and I know that in this moment I am not going to be able to write about it like I have been hoping. Not tonight because this topic that has been weighing heavy on my heart has been pushed to the front of my mind by the real needs of friends.

The topic is having babies. Not actually delivering them but the whole process from getting pregnant, to carrying a baby to term, and having a healthy and successful delivery. If you've ever spent time actually learning about this entire process (and I don't mean the 8th grade health class version of making babies) you must have realized that it is nothing short of a miracle that we are all here. Having babies is truly a miracle and miracle that is more complex and divine than I think most people can imagine.

I can say that because I have first hand experience of how difficult it can be to become pregnant. Grayson was a miracle. The month he was conceived I had a test run that revealed a low hormone (Progesterone). Those test results indicated that I was not ovulating and could not become pregnant. At the appointment where I learned that I was pregnant with Grayson I was actually at the doctor to talk about beginning medication to make me ovulate since my body seemed to be having trouble with that. The doctor was astounded that I was pregnant and said "plus one for God on this one because according to your test results you shouldn't have been able to get pregnant this month". After losing our girls I wanted more than anything to have another baby. Re-enter to our lives the ovulating issue. This time I did go on one round of Femara to trick my body into ovulating. That one round worked and I am now carrying our current miracle (which is actually miracle number 4 for us).

I also have first hand experience with how difficult it can be to carry a baby to term. I was unable to do that for Faith and Avery, our twins. If you don't know their story you should read it sometime. Faith and Avery were conceived when Grayson was just 9 months old. In January of 2009 I got a positive on a pregnancy test (despite nursing and my previous ovulation issues) and a few days later discovered I was carrying miracle numbers 2 and 3. They were not meant to join our family here on Earth. My water broke early. It happens more than most people realize and is very serious. It almost always results in pre-term labor. Labor and delivery before 24 weeks means that your baby is not viable by medical standards. My girls were born at 22 weeks. MANY, MANY women lose babies at all different points in their pregnancies and MANY say good-bye to their babies at full-term. Most often these losses are with no explanation.

I give all of this information to get to my point that getting pregnant and having a healthy baby is an insane miracle. In a world where teen pregnancy rates are high and the abortion debate is constantly in the news, there are so many women who long to become mom's and are facing incredible difficulty. I can't even begin to count the number of friends and acquaintances I have who are struggling with this at this very moment. There are those who can't seem to get pregnant no matter how much prayer, time, energy, and money they pour into the process, there are those that can't seem to carry a baby to full-term no matter how well they take care of themselves, and there are those that have suffered the loss of a full-term newborn baby due to trauma during delivery.

I have struggled with this lately. Why is is that there are so many unwanted pregnancies that end in abortion, why are there so many women out there who are admittedly unable to care for a child properly getting pregnant over and over again, and why is it that the people who desire it most can't seem to have a child of their own? AND, don't even get me started about the lengthy and expensive process of adoption for those who have decided to embrace that journey. I don't understand. Typically in this type of post I would have something here to share that God had revealed to me about the idea I am struggling with. Tonight I don't. God is still working on my heart with this topic.

So why share now? With each passing day I discover that another friend is struggling with this. Most of them feel alone and frustrated. Most of them feel like they are the only one with such a desire that has yet to be fulfilled. Each story is just as heartbreaking as the one before and each one of these women would make wonderful mothers. I share these thoughts at this time just to point out the fact. Having babies isn't easy for everyone. There are women out there who want a baby of their own with every ounce of their being and can't seem to get there. There are so many of them. In fact, I bet you know a few of them and don't even realize it.

Tonight this is at the front of my mind. This topic that has been doing a number on my heart for a long time is on my mind because of those I know who are living it. Tonight I will be praying specifically for a friend who got more bad news at an OB appointment today about her efforts to have a baby and may need surgery, I will be praying for another friend who is about to start a new type of treatment to help her conceive, I will be praying for another friend who has been waiting for years to be a mom and her adoption process just isn't moving forward as quickly as her heart would like for it to, and I will be praying for a friend who just found out her water broke at 16 weeks and the chances of her baby making it to 24 weeks are slim. Please pray for these friends of mine too.

WHAT TODAY NEEDS. . .

is a little prayer. Today it is my turn to keep the kiddos. I have posted about our new childcare arrangements. If you are confused, read the post before this one. The Hantla children are due to arrive in a little over an hour. They are wonderfully sweet and I am actually looking forward to the day. I have lots of activities in mind for the toddlers and am looking forward to having a baby around for the day. I figure it will give me a taste of the coming months. I also know that as I mother I am not perfect. I have moments of impatience, frustration, and these days I fatigue rather easily. I am okay with the imperfection because I know that I only need one thing for today to be a pleasantly huge success, my God. He can walk beside me all day and provide for me all that I can't be on my own. He can give me more patience, encouragement, and energy than I will even realize I need. That is my prayer this morning. I pray that God will go before me today and bless me and those I am caring for.

Of course I have some blog friends that care for twice as many children as I will have today, 24 hours of every day. Those friends are an inspiration and a reality check that yes, one person can easily do what I am about to do. Lots of women have 3 children and lots have many more. We will be just fine.

On another note, Baby Rollins is due to arrive a little after 7:30 this morning. Pray with me for Beth, Matt, Levi, and the new arrival (he or she). I just love my friends and the opportunity to celebrate such joy even from down the road a bit. Love you guys!!!

THE END OF AN ERA

Friday was Grayson's last day at the daycare he has attended since he was 4 months old. After lots of anxiety and loads of prayer we have figured out other arrangements for a little while. It was a little more sad to me than I expected it to be. On his final day we made a big thank you card for all of the staff (everyone there has cared for Grayson at some point) and cookies for everyone.

Grayson arrived earlier than usual because I needed to get to work before 8, which is unusual. On the way I explained that it would be his last day ever going to his daycare and that he would be saying good-bye to his teachers and friends at the end of the day. It is very quiet there in the morning so drop off wasn't hard.

In the afternoon I left work and headed over to pick him up. As I got closer to the daycare I started to feel a little more sad. Everyone there has cared for Grayson at some point in his life. The administrative staff have always been so nice and caring towards our family and they provided amazing support when we lost Faith and Avery last year. When I arrived all of the teachers and staff starting giving me a hard time about leaving and began sharing with me how much they loved Grayson and how much they were going to miss him. It was nice to know that he wasn't just another kid to them and that for all of this time he has been cared for by people who love him.

Grayson was happy help me collect all of his belongings and pass out hugs to everyone. He did seem to understand that Friday's good-byes were different than previous days, but I am not sure if he actually realizes that he will not go back there.

Tomorrow we begin a new chapter. Grayson will be spending his Monday's with the Hantla family who are very dear friends of ours. Their daughter is a few months younger than Grayson and they are in our small group at church. Grayson enjoys playing with their daughter and I think this arrangement will make for a more enjoyable day for Grayson. On Fridays I will be keeping the Hantla kiddos at our house with Grayson. Wednesdays? Well, I still have to work out some details there. Grayson will continue to go to preschool on Tuesdays and Thursdays as he has since September.

I am looking forward to this new era. Again, I think the new arrangement will be better overall for Grayson and allow me to spend some more time with him. On another note, potty training is going extremely well. Grayson is having very few accidents and just this morning finally gave in and starting going #2 on the potty. PRAISE, PRAISE, PRAISE!!!

THE BEST

I have the absolute best husband in the world and today he is 30. Yes, it is Justin's 30th birthday. I really had no idea what a blessing God had brought into my life when I met Justin a little over 10 years ago. Over the past 10 years we have kind of grown up together and over that time continued to fall more in love every year. He is the best for more reasons that I can even count. He loves me unconditionally and works every day to be the husband and father God has called him to be. He is hard working, strong, smart, funny, and inspires me to be a better person. He has big dreams and incredible confidence in the path God has laid out before us. He has amazing love for his family and friends and is always kind. He is an amazing father to the children that have blessed us so far and continues to grow as a father to be great for those children still to come. Yes, I am one lucky woman. I have an amazing man, the best man! Happy Birthday Justin, I love you.

Happy Birthday this weekend as well to Sue and Megan who are both celebrating milestone birthdays with Justin!

YOU WIN SOME, YOU LOSE SOME

Most days I feel like a pretty average mom. Some days I feel like a great mom. Some days I feel like a terrible mom. I am only going to write about today because I would bet that I am not the only mom that rides the roller coaster regularly of going from totally get it right on to totally messing things up. I bet some of you readers feel the same way. If you don't, lie so I don't feel so bad about myself. :-)

Today started and I felt like a great mom! I got up, went for my walk, had some quiet time with God, and got home to start my morning routine in time. I started my day with prayer and was looking forward to what God would present today. Fast forward about an hour and a half. Grayson had done well with going to the potty all morning and we were out the door on time with everything needed for our very busy day (including all 4 changes of clothes, 2 million pairs of big boy undies, wipes, smarties, etc.). Despite getting stuck in traffic for an eternity we made it to preschool on time. Despite the fact that he said "Potty?" half-way to preschool and heard for the first time, "sweetie you are going to have to wait" Grayson did not have an accident on the way to school. We got to school and after being in the car for an hour, he was dry. We went inside and he went on the potty. I took him to his class and his teachers made a huge deal about his big boy underwear. Grayson beamed with pride in front of all of his little buddies. I was on cloud nine. I drove all the way to work thanking God for the opportunity to have such a blessed life and such a wonderful family.

Then I get to work. Here comes the part where the roller coaster reaches the peak and you are about to drop off on the other side at a raging fast speed. That is what the rest of my day was like. Out of control, too fast, and wild. I soon realized I had too much on my agenda for work. I was almost late for my big meeting today and had to postpone eating my lunch (which I left at home) until I could pick something up after.

Justin picked Grayson up from preschool (because he is an amazing father and husband) while I was at my meeting. I get back to my office to find that Grayson is not sleeping and is refusing his nap. That puts a kink in my afternoon because I had some work things that needed my attention and I was pretty much counting on him sleeping for a couple of hours. Justin then informs me that Grayson missed one of his hourly potty visits at preschool and had an accident. I asked why he missed and Justin responds "It was picture day and they were busy." What?!?!? Picture day?!?!?! How did I forget that? I am not THAT mother that forgets picture day and sends her son in regular clothes for class pictures. Well today I was THAT mom. GREAT! He wasn't dressed like a total bum, but it could have been much better. We will not be buying these pics.

I made the decision to keep Grayson at the office for a while because I had some things there that could not be postponed. I figured he would eventually take his nap. Well we had some wild kids in this afternoon and Grayson got no nap. Probably due to a combination of his on fatigue, mommy being too busy to really attend to him, and the overall business of the office Grayson had two accidents there. I can happily report that he did stop wetting once he realized and asked to go to the potty where he finished. That is a good thing.

I end up having to be at work until 5 and still didn't get everything done. I get in the car and we are happily on our way to the store when I look back at my sleeping son and realize he never got his nap. Good job mom. I had no choice but to go to the grocery store. It was that or not have dinner. I wake up my soundly sleeping child to drag him into the chaos of a grocery store at 5:30 on a week day. As soon as we get in and he spots the food he starts to cry and say "eat-eat". No I did not forget to give him a snack earlier in the afternoon? Oh yes, I did. I quickly find him something to snack on and now I am that mom who is letting her kid snack (dropping crumbs along the way I am sure) an hour before dinner. Can you see me now sitting at the bottom of the hill, broke down, without the energy to get up to the next peak?

I make the shopping trip as quick as possible and get home where Justin is pulling in to provide me with some much needed help because by this point in the day I am starting to think I am losing my mind. (A side note is that Grayson did not have an accident at the store and held it until we got home. YAY!) I get the groceries put away and dinner on the table just in time to realize that Grayson is probably not very hungry after his big snack and he is too tired to give real eating a whirl anyway. He was not a happy camper at dinner. Who could blame him after the afternoon he had?

We got dinner finished and cleaned up. Justin gave Grayson his bath and got him ready for bed. All the while I realize I had not ordered the shoes for the wedding I am in in one month. Yes, those shoes should have been ordered weeks ago and now I am THAT bridesmaid. Anyway, we tucked Grayson in, said his prayers, and he went off to dream land. The best thing was he hugged me a kissed me just the same as he does every night and didn't seemed phased by what seemed to me to be many failures on my part today.

Yes, there are worse things in the world than less than ideal clothes on picture day, missed naps, and long hours at the office instead of at the park. I know that. It doesn't change the fact that those things happen and often get the best of my attitude about my day. Then just when I get to feeling down about it, God prompts that little guy to wrap his arms around me as tight as he can so I can see just how loved I am despite my mistakes. What a great life God has blessed me with!!!

POTTY UPDATE

Today was better. I am less frustrated and much more motivated to stick with it. Justin got a little more frustrated today, but it was his first full day doing the potty routine since he was gone most of the day yesterday. I can imagine that he felt this afternoon about the way I felt yesterday afternoon. However, I can see the huge progress being made and I am happy that I pushed through my frustration.

Today Grayson continued to be cooperative. In the early afternoon he became a bit reluctant to go and sit on the potty at times. I quickly realized that he was reluctant when he didn't have to go. That is a great sign because it means he is starting to recognize what it feels like to need to go. Once I went from having him go every thirty minutes and moved him up to every 45-60 minutes he was much more cooperative and has a successful visit (meaning he did something in the potty)almost every time he went.

Grayson sat on the potty 21 times today. Of those visits only three were because of accidents!!! Two of those accidents were during meal times. Grayson went number 1 on the potty nine times today and three of those times he asked to go. Grayson asked to go number 2 on the potty after his dinner accident and tried but wasn't able to go. I think he is still having a little trouble relaxing (he will die when he reads this at age 16 or so).

SOOOOO as you can see we are making progress. I will be home with him tomorrow for our final day of boot camp before taking what we have learned out of the house. If he is doing well I may venture out for an outing tomorrow. He has a rash all over his body so a trip to the pediatrician will probably have to work it's way into our agenda. That seems like a good way to practice an outing.

WHEW!

Boy am I tired!!! We are officially over 24 hours into potty boot camp and I am exhausted. After talking with several friends who potty trained earlier rather than later, I decided to give it a go. First because Grayson was showing interest in the potty and has gone on it (Number 1 and 2) several times in the past when given the opportunity to sit. Secondly, I like the idea of not having two in diapers and not having to potty train with a little baby around needing my attention as well. Lastly, Grayson has horrible skin and the doctor said the sooner we can get him out of diapers, the better.

Again I talked with several people, read some books, and looked up some stuff online. After sifting through all the information I decided to take the route we are on. My goal is four days of potty boot camp to get our little guy trained. Now, I am not set on this. I went into this prepared that if Grayson had no success and was miserable we would abandon ship, put the potty away, and not try again until late fall. I was prepared, but I was also determined. It is only that determination that has me hanging on at this point. Well, that and the pride in his face when he actually goes on the potty. That is priceless.

Boot camp basically means Grayson went straight from diapers to underwear. He is wearing only underwear all day long. Yes, that means we are staying home. He wears a pull-up at nap and during the night for obvious reasons, but during the day it is all big boy undies. We started with going to the potty every 10 minutes, then every 15, and now we are at every 20. Yes, I feel like I am living in the bathroom. Each visit lasts about 5 minutes (occasionally longer)and then we are right back in there 15 minutes after leaving. I tried 3 times today to move to 30 minutes and each time he had an accident at about the 22 minute mark. He does not go every time. Grayson sat on the potty 34 times today. He had 5 visits following an accident(after the accident we go to the potty to sit). He was dry the other 29 visits. 11 of the 29 dry visits resulted in pee in the potty! Two of those 11 visits where he had success, he asked to go all by himself. He gets a sticker if he is dry at potty time and a Smartie after he sits on the potty. Once he is going more consistently he will only get the Smartie for going and not just for sitting there.

He is having success. I did have a moment of frustration today thinking that I may never be able to go longer than 20 minutes between potty visits without risking an accident, but then felt encouraged after asking some early potty training gurus and hearing that he was doing great for only being at this one full day. I have talked with several women who had their almost 2 year old kiddos potty trained in one weekend. I am prepared to go at this for four days, but then I have to get back to life as usual. So, it is still to be seen how this will all turn out. I would love to be posting on Tuesday that Grayson is fully day potty trained (nights and nap will not come for some time), but will remain positive if we are still having difficulties.

I have never prayed so hard over bathroom issues in all of my life. Prayer and help from God is the only way I am maintaining the patience and energy to keep at this. Feel free to offer up an extra request for our potty adventures during your next talk with the Big Guy. We need all the help we can get.

ALREADY?!?!?

Is is really already March? How are we in the 3rd month of 2010 already? How is it that I am in the 22nd week of this pregnancy? How is it that Grayson will be two in one month and 21 days? Time is really flying.

I was just thinking the other day that it seems like forever until this baby will be here, but then I look at our calendar and with all of our fun upcoming events, these weeks are going to fly. We always keep a busy schedule, but the coming months are extra crazy full of really big events.

Justin's 30th birthday is in less than two weeks along with Grayson's nannie, Sue's, 50th and Aunt Meg's 21st. All milestone birthdays and all in the same weekend! Two (or is it 3)weeks later is Easter. One week after that we have our big family vacation and wedding for Angela in San Diego. Grayson will get to fly in a airplane for the first time and with 11+ family members in one house this vacation will be a blast! In less than two weeks after our return we will have Grayson's 2nd birthday and party. Two weeks later is a birthday tea in honor of Faith and Avery. One week later is Uncle Ryan and soon-to-be Aunt Brigitte's wedding where Grayson will make his first march down the aisle (HOPEFULLY) as a ring bearer. That same weekend is the twin's actual birthday and mother's day. In the two weeks following that we will celebrate Grammie's birthday and have a trip to St. Augustine with that part of our family for a week. Then, lookout it's JUNE and our bundle will arrive any time in the 4 weeks between June 3rd and July 3rd. Well, that is if this little firecracker does what he has been sternly instructed by his mother to do. STAY IN THERE UNTIL 36 weeks, after that you need to come some time before July 4th. I try to convince myself that this will work when in reality I have no control and God has had the date of this birth on the calendar of our lives long before we can even fathom.

We are blessed to have so many wonderful and fun events on the horizon. We will spend loads of time with family and friends. I am hoping my Boone girls will make the trip up for the tea. Do you know I haven't seen those banshees in way too long? So long I don't know how long it has been. That is entirely unacceptable!

So, yes we are going to be busy. Time will continue to fly by and then little firecracker will be here. Oh that excites me so very much! We are so blessed. Now, I need to get on with getting that nursery ready, picking a name, organizing, and then list goes on and on. AND NO, we haven't figured out yet what to do about our childcare issues.