SO MANY BLESSINGS

I can now say that our little family has to be one of the most loved families in the world. There is no doubt that the last few weeks have been one of the most trying of my life. I am almost certain Justin and Grayson would agree. That being said, even now in the midst of our grief and sadness we can't ignore that fact that God has blessed us with an amazing support system to carry us thru. I can't imagine where we would be without the many people, family, friends, and coworkers, who have been praying and loving us thru the loss of Faith and Avery.

We have received hundreds of messages through e-mail, this site, and Facebook from people who are praying for us. Those messages often bring tears, but also encouragement. Every day has brought cards, flowers, and food. All of which brings joy to our day and again, encouragement. Our church small group has been here in that "just what we need" kind of way. They visit and allow us to talk about our girls when we need, but bring plenty of conversation about other things which is needed just as much.

I am certain that no other family is as amazing as our's. My mom didn't often leave my side at the hospital, but knew just when I needed some time alone. My sister has provided the support that only another sister and new mom can provide. My dad, always a source of encouragement and strength, is taking care of all the "not fun" details that come with the death of a family member. By doing that he has allowed us to focus on our healing. Justin's mom, brothers, sister-in law, sister, and my aunt Ret have managed to take care of us in just the right way by helping with Grayson and making home a comfy place to be. We have a huge family and they all, even those not individually mentioned, have all loved on us so much during this time.

I know that all of this support is nothing but a big gift from God. He has shown us over and over again that He will not bring us to something that He can't carry us thru. During this lifetime I may not know the exact reason why God chose to take our girls to Heaven before we thought we were ready. We can't always know those things during our time here. I have peace with that and I can press on thru this trial because I know that I will be able to spend an eternity with Faith and Avery in Heaven.

A VISIT WITH TWO ANGELS

This journal entry was originally written on the evening of May 9th.


This morning our family was visited by two angels. It seems like just yesterday that Justin and I were in complete shock over the news that we were expecting twins. It was such an amazing surprise and blessing. We began preparing our home and family for two new bundles and as soon as possible found out we would be welcoming baby girls. The excitement and joy we felt is something that can't be expressed by words.

Less than two weeks ago we discovered that our girls were facing some difficulties. An early loss of fluids for one of our girls meant that we would most likely not carry our babies to term. As we moved forward with the odds out of our favor, we tried to focus on the hope of a miracle and the faith that God is always in control. Our babies were covered in prayer and all we could do was wait for God's plan to unfold.

On Thursday afternoon, after a week of bed rest, I noticed some bleeding. After a call to my OB-GYN we were on our way to Duke. I was immediately moved from triage to Labor and Delivery. Although I was not yet dilated, my contractions were 2-4 minutes apart. I could feel both babies moving and ultrasound revealed strong heartbeats. It was explained to me that if labor progressed, then both babies would be delivered with no chance of survival. How could that be? I still feel them moving, I can see them moving on the screen, and I can't even feel these contractions. Justin and I immediately turned to prayer and waited. That was all we could do.

After 4 hours of contractions and tears the doctor came in at midnight to report that there had been no contractions detected for an hour. I was taken off the monitor and instructed to get some rest. During the night the nurse continued to monitor my temperature. According to the doctors, if my body went into labor it would be because there was an infection in the uterus. For that reason labor could not be stopped by medication. That would be risky to my health and likely not allow me to carry the babies 4 more weeks, which is what was necessary for viability. My temperature was monitored because that would be the first sign of infection.

On Friday afternoon I was moved from Labor and Delivery having had no contractions since the night before. The nurses continued to monitor my temperature which remained within the normal range. We continued to pray for our miracle and I continued to cherish every moment I felt those little girls kicking around.

Around 6 pm (same as the night before) I began to feel slight cramping. I requested that my nurse put me back on a monitor. After several denied requests the monitor was brought back in and it was confirmed that I was having contractions about every 10 minutes. I told myself that our girls just didn't like evening and that this would all be over by 11 or 12.

By 8 p.m. I could no longer deny that these contractions were different than the night before. They seemed to be coming more frequently and, unlike the night before, I could really feel these. I forced the reality that I was in labor out of my mind and continued to try to relax, drink water, pray, and believe that this would pass. It did not and by 11 I was screaming in pain. After many requests a doctor arrived around midnight and confirmed the reality that I was dreading. I was dilated 10 cm and would be moved back to Labor and Delivery right away.

I felt like someone had sucked all of the air out of the room. My mind went straight to the words of the doctor the night before, "no chance of survival". I refused to let my mind go there for very long. I could still feel both babies moving and we were determined that we would be blessed with a miracle.

I was moved right away and since it was too late for an epidural, the nurses began pain medication. At 1 am I was left in the labor and delivery room with Justin to wait for a sense of pressure letting me know it was time to push. For the first time I began to accept reality. This was our fate, our girls were coming too early to survive.

God blessed Justin and I with several hours. I had little pain, thanks to the medication, and we were able to talk, cry, and pray together preparing to say "hello" and "see you later" to our daughters. As a believer in God and Heaven there is no good-bye. Our thoughts went to lost dreams and ideas about what it would have been like with our family of 5. For five months we had imagined what it would be like to welcome and raise twin daughters, what it would be like for Grayson to have two sisters, and what it would be like to raise children so close in age. God had different plan for our family and we grieved those lost dreams.

At 5:15 a.m. we called for our nurse. I felt no sense of pressure, but instead a peace in my heart that we were ready to meet our first little girl. It was an easy, painless delivery. At 5:57 we welcomed Faith Caldwell in our arms. She was tiny and perfect weighing 9.9 ounces and 10 inches in length. I had felt a lot of heartache over the idea that I would only see my girls move on a monitor and feel them in my womb. That heartache quickly went away as the nurse place a very much alive and moving Faith into my arms. Just like she had been doing for several weeks she kicked her legs and moved her arms slightly. Justin and I were able to hold her, hug her, kiss her, and tell her just how much we loved her before she passed peacefully to be with her Heavenly Father.

The doctor explained that because she was so small our next little girl may not be delivered for some time. After little progression the doctor started Pitocin. It was devastating for me. I felt like we were forcing her out and she wasn't ready. If my body wasn't ready to deliver her, why couldn't she be saved? Justin comforted me and explained that it was only because she was so small and that stopping labor at this point would be dangerous for me and the baby. I was in labor and even though it didn't feel like it, this little baby wasn't going to wait.

Around 7:00 am I began to feel intense pain. I screamed out and fear consumed me. Justin called for the nurse and before she could come in I realized that it was time to push. At 7:15 Avery Caldwell entered the world. We were blessed with another tiny, perfect, and alive baby girl. Avery weighed 10.8 ounces and was 9.9 inches in length. Avery came to my arms with her mouth moving just the way it had in every ultrasound picture. I can only imagine that she would have been the twin with much to say. Avery passed quickly, faster than her sister, but not without feeling the hugs, kisses, and "We love you" whispers of her mommy and daddy.

The rest of the morning progressed with much difficulty both emotionally and physically. I was only able to deliver one placenta and required a D and C. Before the D and C my blood pressure dropped and I was told I needed a blood transfusion. The blood transfusion began during surgery. I had a reaction to the blood resulting in swelling of my throat and face. Fortunately I was awake and could voice what I was experiencing. Benadryl was started right away and the procedure was completed. I was in recovery for several hours first with intense shivers and continued swelling in my face. After that passed the Benadryl and fatigue took over and I slept.

After recovery I was able to return to my room. There waiting for me were my two babies. Faith and Avery appeared to be sleeping peacefully. My mind quickly went to an image of two toddler girls dancing in Heaven. I will thank God for that vision every day for the rest of my life. Justin and I were able to spend some time with our girls before saying our final "see you later" to each baby and giving them one last hug.

I will never forget the emotional and physical pain of this day. It would be easy to get lost in the grief and anger by focusing on our loss. I will have to work hard to keep that from happening. Fortunately we have many blessings to focus on instead. God blessed us with two baby girls to love for a lifetime. We have found comfort in the knowledge that our girls were blessed with the perfect life. They were created, loved by a family, held a kissed by a mommy and daddy, then journeyed straight to Heaven before having to experience any of the pain and hurt of this world. What about our miracle? We got it. No it wasn't the miracle we were hoping for, but I was able to hold my living daughters and tell them I love them. That will be enough of a miracle for me. I know that God's plan is perfect, even when it isn't the plan we hoped for. Faith and Avery may never live in our home here, but we will be together one day. Until then we have peace knowing that we have two angels waiting for us in Heaven.

UPDATE

Well I think Grayson is finally getting used to the new way of doing things around here. I am sure he wonders why mommy's legs don't walk around any more and why her arms don't pick him up. Don't you wonder what goes on in their little heads? Despite what he might be wondering, he seems to have adjusted to things. He plays near me and will come up to where I am and try to play with me. He sits with me for his milk in the morning and at night and if it isn't too late he gets story time with mommy before bed. He has had lots of visitors. His aunt Red is staying and he had Lisa with him all day yesterday.

I still can't get over how blessed we are!!! There are thousands of people praying for us, I continue to receive encouraging e-mails from all over the country, and we have people offering meals and other forms of help often. It is amazing! God is so good!

Our girls continue to hang in there. As I explained before, most women with PPROM go into labor within one week or less. Monday marked one week since I first noticed I was losing fluid and today marks one week since I was diagnosed. These girls are fighters!

There is another risk besides labor. There is a chance that Baby A (we still don't have names) will die in utero and we will not know it until we go for an ultrasound. We have one week until our next ultrasound. That being said, I feel like both babies are moving well. It is hard to tell with twins, but I am pretty sure I know where they are positioned and I can feel movement in both areas. Also, they occasionally move at the same time. That is a really neat feeling. Also I continue to lose fluid every day. Not ideal, but I have decided to think of it in a more positive way. This is not medical fact and I refuse to spend any time researching on the Internet because it just discourages me. My thoughts are that since there was no fluid when the doctors looked last week, then continued loss of fluid means she is still making fluid. To make fluid her kidneys have to be working. If her kidneys are working then she is still alive. That is my positive way of looking at the continued loss of fluid.

Our next milestone is tomorrow. That is when I will be at 20 weeks. Although the specialist from Duke Perinatal does not consider babies viable until 24 weeks, the NICU staff at Duke considers a baby viable at 20 weeks. Now, obviously we are praying and believing that God's miracle for our babies is to keep them in there growing and thriving until more like 33-36 weeks. However, the short-term goals help the time pass faster and gives us motivation each time we reach one.

Please continue to pray that Grayson and Justin will feel loved and cared for during this time, that I will continue to stay busy with the days passing quickly, that our little miracles will continue to grow, thrive, and make more fluid, that labor will not begin for a very long time, AND that all of these amazing people will be blessed in a tremendous way for all the ways that they are blessing us.

HOME SWEET HOME / UPDATE

Grayson has been on a little vacation to Granny and Granpa's house in Wade. With all that was going on in our house, we decided that it may be good to get him away for some fun while we settled into a new normal. On Thursday of last week Grandpa came to pick up an unusually fussy and really congested Gray Bear. I can only figure that he was already reacting to the change in routine and lack of Mommy.

Thankfully he returned home last night. Justin and I were both missing our little man like crazy. I think Grayson missed us too, but there is no doubt he had a blast and got a little spoiled too. Grayson spent his days shopping, riding and apparently "driving" the golf cart, dining out with family and friends, visiting Great-Granny, and bird watching. Between having Granny and Grandpa to take Grayson over the weekend, having mom, Brooke, Ret, and Troy helping around our house this weekend, and the amazing amount of e-mails and calls from people praying for us we have never felt more blessed. It is amazing to realize how many people you have loving and supporting you in times like these.

I also want to update everyone on our girls. I have been on bed rest officially for 5 days. There are no signs of contractions or labor, which I think is a huge surprise to the doctors. As of tomorrow we will have made it beyond the one-week goal. Remember I said that the majority of women go into labor and lose both babies within the first week. This is one situation that I am thankful to be in the minority and hope to stay there. I spoke with my OB-GYN this morning and he was optimistic and happy to hear that I am hanging in there. We talked about the odds (the realty I hate to hear), but he is a Christian and is also praying for a miracle for our babies. On Friday of last week I was told by my doctor at Duke Perinatal to go to Western Wake (where my OB is) if I go into labor. I discussed this with Dr. Brannon, my OB, today and we both agreed that the best place for me in preterm labor would be Duke, not Western Wake. He assured me that he wants the greatest chance of survival for my babies and that would be at Duke. No I am not becoming discouraged. I am still believing in God for a miracle and hope to not make a move to Duke until I am admitted there at 24 weeks, but it would be foolish to not make a plan for preterm labor between now and then. Our continued prayer needs for now are that I would not go into labor, Baby A will continue to survive and thrive in the womb, and that she will continue to produce fluid and hang on to enough of it.
Thanks again for all the prayers and support.

ORDER FOR A MIRACLE

As I stated in the earlier post about Grayson's birthday, things have continued to be crazy around our house. After the birthday week Grayson had about a day of stomach yuck, by Sunday I was back at the ER getting fluids after another night of battling a stomach virus. I managed to get to work for part of the day Monday because there were things that just had to be done. On Tuesday Grayson was home not feeling well with a bad chest cold and Justin was home early from work with the stomach junk. For some of you the next part may be a little TMI, but I am not shy and it is important to the story. If you don't want to get into our business that much, feel free to skip to the next paragraph. Since I had arrived home from the hospital on Sunday I had felt like I was leaking some fluid (like my water breaking, but very slowly). I assumed I was having bladder issues carrying two babies. By Tuesday it seemed to be getting a little heavier so I called the doctor. They seemed to think it was normal and told me to go to the birthing center if I started cramping or the fluid turned red or became streaked with color instead of clear. I told them I had not had any of those symptoms and they agreed to see me first thing the next morning to check me out and ease my mind seeming sure that nothing was wrong.

I arrived at the OB-GYN on Wednesday morning, Grayson in tow, and with Justin at home REALLY sick on the sofa. When the doctor came in he assured me that is was very rare to lose amniotic fluid this early and although he would check, he was certain that what I was experiencing was just normal. WRONG! Apparently I am part of the less than 3% and Dr. Brannon, my OB-GYN, diagnosed me with PPROM(preterm premature rupture of membranes) and sent me straight to Duke Perinatal. The doctor there, Dr.Kuller, confirmed his findings. There was almost no amniotic fluid left around little Baby A. Both baby's heartbeats were strong and in the ultrasound they were moving all around. How could there be anything wrong? I lay there staring at the screen clearly seeing what the doctors meant. Baby A didn't have the same little sac type image around her that Baby B had. Then the doctor begins his heartbreaking explanation of what all of this means.

The prognosis isn't good. He shared that most women go into labor pretty quickly and obviously at 19 weeks, our babies will not survive. I thought, what is this man saying??? How could it be that I can see these babies, hearts beating so fast, moving all around on screen but I may never get to feel them moving in my arms?!?!? This is not right! Look at me, I am already showing, I can feel these babies moving in my womb, and I am way past the 1st trimester. I thought past 12 weeks you are in the clear. There has to be a way to fix this!

The doctor began to question when the fluid began to leak. I said Sunday and he seemed surprised that I had not already gone into labor. First ray of sun! Turns out that labor typically begins within the first week following the break. As of Wednesday, I had ZERO signs of labor and my cervix was still tight and long (a good thing for those of you who haven't had a baby recently)He informed me that I would be started on a round of antibiotics to prevent or get rid of any infection. The doctors have no idea what causes PPROM, but one theory is that infection weakens the membrane causing it to break. He also talked with me about my chances. He said that if I could make it to 24 weeks, which is unlikely per the doctor, I will be admitted to Duke. Babies can't survive outside of the womb before 24 weeks. From 24 weeks on they are "viable" with the possibility to complications lessening with each passing week.

My first question was, "What can we do to get to 24 weeks?". He said well if you an do as little as possible. My response was, "I can do nothing if that is what is needed.", and he put me on strict bed rest. According to Dr. Kuller, in rare cases (but it HAS happened) the break will repair, the fluids will build back up enough to allow for continued organ development, and although there will likely be other complications the baby stays long enough to survive after delivery.

At this point we have been praying for a miracle. I am determined that my babies will be part of that less than 20% who make it. They will make it to 24 weeks (with no more loss and considerable gain in fluid). I am certain in 5 weeks I will be making at home at Duke and they will be starting me on steroids to promote the babies lung development.

Prayers beyond 24 weeks will that the babies will hang in there and labor will not begin until the babies are as healthy as possible.

Obviously I am preparing myself that we may be a part of the majority, but I have to believe that prayer is powerful and God is still in the miracle working business. Our prayer needs are that the babies will remain strong, labor will NOT begin until at least 30 weeks preferably 33-36 weeks, the doctors will take all things into consideration treating this like a success waiting to happen instead of a lost cause and make the right decisions, and that our family will find peace in whatever God's plan is for this entire situation. I know it is a pretty tall order, but we serve a VERY BIG GOD.

God has already sent us two answered prayers. I was desperate to know that someone has walked where we are walking and came out with two healthy babies. Since asking God for the reassurance I have been contacted by two people (one I knew, one I didn't) who were also part of this less than 3%. They were both diagnosed with PPROM of Baby A at 18-19 weeks, both put on immediate bed rest, and both now have two healthy babies. One has boys and one has girls. PRAISE GOD!!!!

Thanks, in advance, for all of your prayers. If you feel led please share this prayer request with everyone you know. Our little girls are in desperate need of a miracle.

I know that this website is titled Little Gray Bear, but it is all in all about our family. I will continue to post about Grayson and all of his amazing talents, but I will also use this post to keep you all updated about the newest additions to our family, our baby girls!

ONE

I know, I know! We are coming up on two weeks beyond Grayson's first birthday, but things have been a little wild around here. The point of this post is not to go on and on about our roller coaster or a life, but to talk about our little man hitting his latest milestone.

Grayson's birthday celebration kicked off the Saturday before his birthday with a big bash at Pullen Park. His Nana came up the night before to play with Grayson while mommy and daddy prepped for the party. Grayson's party was sailboat themed, just like his nursery, and I made sailboat cakes for his big day. It was such a blast. Nearly 50 family and friends came to the park (most driving around forever to find parking), we had beautiful weather, and lots of yummy food. The full parking lot gave me a little extra time to set things up (with the help of my sis and some other family members), which was a good thing because when we first arrived with only 1 hours to set-up someone was using our shelter. Quickly resolved with the "I am sorry we have this reserved" statement.

That party was such a reminder of what wonderful friends and family we have who love our little fella. Daddy was the chef for the day cooking up hot dogs and hamburgers, with the help of Grandpa who I don't think has ever attended a cookout that he didn't work really hard at (Thanks /Grandpa/Daddy!) Grayson’s Nana, Grammy, Granny, and Aunt Ret brought in the yummy side dishes. Grayson had a blast seeing all of his favorite people and littlest friends. We had loved ones drive in from all over the state to include Charlotte and Lake Gaston. He plunged right into his cake making a huge mess and seemed to enjoy every minute of the celebration, especially all the amazing gifts. Then to wrap thins up in the best way, many of our wonderful family members helped us get everything cleaned and packed up. I can't thank everyone enough for making my son's party such a fantastic success.

Grayson’s celebration continued on Tuesday (the day before his actual birthday) with a "Mommy Day". We did story time at Barnes and Noble, had a picnic lunch, and played in the park. Grayson is hilarious to watch at story time. He sits so nicely in his stroller listening intently to EVERY word the storyteller shares. His attention is only interrupted by the unruly kids who get up and parade around in front of him talking loudly while the story is being told. You should see the look on his face. He always looks over at me like, "Mommy, can you believe these kids?" On this particular day a little girl got up and stood right in front of him looking in his face like she wanted to chat. Grayson politely pushed her to the side to look around her at the storyteller. PRICELESS!

On Grayson's actual birthday he was awakened to the, at that point, familiar tune of Happy Birthday to which he sat right up in his crib and grinned like he knew it was his special day. He got a blueberry muffin with a candle for breakfast. He didn't eat a bit of it. Looks like he isn't a muffin eater, yet.

Unfortunately Mommy and Daddy had to work on Grayson's birthday. Mommy took off Monday to stay home with Grayson because he wasn't feeling well so she had to go in on Wednesday. After breakfast he was dressed in his special birthday outfit (Thanks Grammy and Pa Pa) and sent off to baby school. It wasn't a terrible day for him there. He was able to visit his new class with is older friends. He is now the little guy on the block again. He also got to win the popularity vote by having his mommy bring cupcakes to impress his new friends. At snack time I was able to leave work and take over cupcakes for his birthday celebration at baby school. Picture six one-year olds sitting around a tiny table eating cupcakes. It was hilarious (yes I have pictures). Then Grayson got to leave school early.

In the evening we had Grayson's birthday dinner, which was pretty much the same stuff he typically eats and then we opened all the cards that had come for him in the mail and his birthday presents from Mommy and Daddy.

The week was wrapped up with the not so fun, but necessary one-year check-up. Grayson did pretty well. He did not like getting the three shots, but who would? He is still under the growth chart for weight at 118lbs, 4 ounces. I don't think the doctor is really worried about that anymore because he is at least staying on his curve, as little as that curve may be. Most of his development was right on track, with the exception of speech (why would a speech therapist's son talk on time?) because he was not consistently saying a real word yet. Go figure the next day he started with "ball" and has been imitating a ton of other words and using ball ever since.

All in all, Grayson had a fabulous birthday, birth week, and birth month celebration. I on the other hand, am a little saddened to see my little fella growing up so fast. It seems like he is doing and learning something new everyday, but like it was just yesterday that we brought that tiny little baby home. I am thankful now to have sleep filled nights, a genius little guy learning all sorts of fun things, and the blessing of a healthy one year old, but I must admit that there are times when I miss the late night feedings and quiet moments just watching him breathe.