A VISIT WITH TWO ANGELS

This journal entry was originally written on the evening of May 9th.


This morning our family was visited by two angels. It seems like just yesterday that Justin and I were in complete shock over the news that we were expecting twins. It was such an amazing surprise and blessing. We began preparing our home and family for two new bundles and as soon as possible found out we would be welcoming baby girls. The excitement and joy we felt is something that can't be expressed by words.

Less than two weeks ago we discovered that our girls were facing some difficulties. An early loss of fluids for one of our girls meant that we would most likely not carry our babies to term. As we moved forward with the odds out of our favor, we tried to focus on the hope of a miracle and the faith that God is always in control. Our babies were covered in prayer and all we could do was wait for God's plan to unfold.

On Thursday afternoon, after a week of bed rest, I noticed some bleeding. After a call to my OB-GYN we were on our way to Duke. I was immediately moved from triage to Labor and Delivery. Although I was not yet dilated, my contractions were 2-4 minutes apart. I could feel both babies moving and ultrasound revealed strong heartbeats. It was explained to me that if labor progressed, then both babies would be delivered with no chance of survival. How could that be? I still feel them moving, I can see them moving on the screen, and I can't even feel these contractions. Justin and I immediately turned to prayer and waited. That was all we could do.

After 4 hours of contractions and tears the doctor came in at midnight to report that there had been no contractions detected for an hour. I was taken off the monitor and instructed to get some rest. During the night the nurse continued to monitor my temperature. According to the doctors, if my body went into labor it would be because there was an infection in the uterus. For that reason labor could not be stopped by medication. That would be risky to my health and likely not allow me to carry the babies 4 more weeks, which is what was necessary for viability. My temperature was monitored because that would be the first sign of infection.

On Friday afternoon I was moved from Labor and Delivery having had no contractions since the night before. The nurses continued to monitor my temperature which remained within the normal range. We continued to pray for our miracle and I continued to cherish every moment I felt those little girls kicking around.

Around 6 pm (same as the night before) I began to feel slight cramping. I requested that my nurse put me back on a monitor. After several denied requests the monitor was brought back in and it was confirmed that I was having contractions about every 10 minutes. I told myself that our girls just didn't like evening and that this would all be over by 11 or 12.

By 8 p.m. I could no longer deny that these contractions were different than the night before. They seemed to be coming more frequently and, unlike the night before, I could really feel these. I forced the reality that I was in labor out of my mind and continued to try to relax, drink water, pray, and believe that this would pass. It did not and by 11 I was screaming in pain. After many requests a doctor arrived around midnight and confirmed the reality that I was dreading. I was dilated 10 cm and would be moved back to Labor and Delivery right away.

I felt like someone had sucked all of the air out of the room. My mind went straight to the words of the doctor the night before, "no chance of survival". I refused to let my mind go there for very long. I could still feel both babies moving and we were determined that we would be blessed with a miracle.

I was moved right away and since it was too late for an epidural, the nurses began pain medication. At 1 am I was left in the labor and delivery room with Justin to wait for a sense of pressure letting me know it was time to push. For the first time I began to accept reality. This was our fate, our girls were coming too early to survive.

God blessed Justin and I with several hours. I had little pain, thanks to the medication, and we were able to talk, cry, and pray together preparing to say "hello" and "see you later" to our daughters. As a believer in God and Heaven there is no good-bye. Our thoughts went to lost dreams and ideas about what it would have been like with our family of 5. For five months we had imagined what it would be like to welcome and raise twin daughters, what it would be like for Grayson to have two sisters, and what it would be like to raise children so close in age. God had different plan for our family and we grieved those lost dreams.

At 5:15 a.m. we called for our nurse. I felt no sense of pressure, but instead a peace in my heart that we were ready to meet our first little girl. It was an easy, painless delivery. At 5:57 we welcomed Faith Caldwell in our arms. She was tiny and perfect weighing 9.9 ounces and 10 inches in length. I had felt a lot of heartache over the idea that I would only see my girls move on a monitor and feel them in my womb. That heartache quickly went away as the nurse place a very much alive and moving Faith into my arms. Just like she had been doing for several weeks she kicked her legs and moved her arms slightly. Justin and I were able to hold her, hug her, kiss her, and tell her just how much we loved her before she passed peacefully to be with her Heavenly Father.

The doctor explained that because she was so small our next little girl may not be delivered for some time. After little progression the doctor started Pitocin. It was devastating for me. I felt like we were forcing her out and she wasn't ready. If my body wasn't ready to deliver her, why couldn't she be saved? Justin comforted me and explained that it was only because she was so small and that stopping labor at this point would be dangerous for me and the baby. I was in labor and even though it didn't feel like it, this little baby wasn't going to wait.

Around 7:00 am I began to feel intense pain. I screamed out and fear consumed me. Justin called for the nurse and before she could come in I realized that it was time to push. At 7:15 Avery Caldwell entered the world. We were blessed with another tiny, perfect, and alive baby girl. Avery weighed 10.8 ounces and was 9.9 inches in length. Avery came to my arms with her mouth moving just the way it had in every ultrasound picture. I can only imagine that she would have been the twin with much to say. Avery passed quickly, faster than her sister, but not without feeling the hugs, kisses, and "We love you" whispers of her mommy and daddy.

The rest of the morning progressed with much difficulty both emotionally and physically. I was only able to deliver one placenta and required a D and C. Before the D and C my blood pressure dropped and I was told I needed a blood transfusion. The blood transfusion began during surgery. I had a reaction to the blood resulting in swelling of my throat and face. Fortunately I was awake and could voice what I was experiencing. Benadryl was started right away and the procedure was completed. I was in recovery for several hours first with intense shivers and continued swelling in my face. After that passed the Benadryl and fatigue took over and I slept.

After recovery I was able to return to my room. There waiting for me were my two babies. Faith and Avery appeared to be sleeping peacefully. My mind quickly went to an image of two toddler girls dancing in Heaven. I will thank God for that vision every day for the rest of my life. Justin and I were able to spend some time with our girls before saying our final "see you later" to each baby and giving them one last hug.

I will never forget the emotional and physical pain of this day. It would be easy to get lost in the grief and anger by focusing on our loss. I will have to work hard to keep that from happening. Fortunately we have many blessings to focus on instead. God blessed us with two baby girls to love for a lifetime. We have found comfort in the knowledge that our girls were blessed with the perfect life. They were created, loved by a family, held a kissed by a mommy and daddy, then journeyed straight to Heaven before having to experience any of the pain and hurt of this world. What about our miracle? We got it. No it wasn't the miracle we were hoping for, but I was able to hold my living daughters and tell them I love them. That will be enough of a miracle for me. I know that God's plan is perfect, even when it isn't the plan we hoped for. Faith and Avery may never live in our home here, but we will be together one day. Until then we have peace knowing that we have two angels waiting for us in Heaven.