GLIMPSES OF UNCERTAINTY

On Thursday, despite the fact that I was still feeling pretty rough, I took Grayson up to the mall by our house to play on the indoor playground. We typically do lots of fun activities in the summer, but with the heat and a new baby our options have been really limited. I feel guilty not getting him out to do things so on Thursday we ventured out.

Grayson has always been pretty careful. He is definitely all boy, but there are times where he really exercises caution and I am very thankful for that. When we arrived at the playground I noticed that there were some older children there. Historically Grayson plays best with children his age or a little younger. He is always a little hesitant around older children. The only exception to this is my friend, Cindy's, kids. He is fairly comfortable around them, but I think that is because they have been having play time together since Grayson was born. It also helps that Cindy's oldest son is really good with Grayson and seems to understand that Grayson needs some time to warm up each time they play together.

Actually saying he is hesitant around older children really doesn't describe him well. He is often reluctant to play in a situation where there are a lot of older children. So at the mall I knew he might be nervous. I found a spot to sit and park our sleeping baby and encouraged Grayson to go play. He said, very politely, "No thank you" and decided he wanted to sit in my lap. We watched the other children play for about 10 minutes. Grayson finally decided to join the chaos. He got down and proceeded very cautiously to an area where there were only a couple of children. Anytime anyone even looked as though they might approach him, he quickly walked away to find somewhere else to play. After about 5 minutes of this he decided he was ready to get in the mix a little. He went over to the slide (the most crowded area) and began to climb up. He continued to be very cautious and looked back at me every single step of the way. He would look back and as soon as I would give him a smile he would continue on. If a much older child got too close, he would retreat a few steps, wait for that child to move on, and then he would continue on. More quickly than I expected Grayson decided he was ready to go home.

Part of this uncertainty and hesitation has always been a characteristic of our oldest son. Days like Thursday get me all teary over my very tender-hearted and sweet oldest child. He is very social, but has his comfort zone. He is very adventurous, but has his boundaries. He is very able, but almost always uses caution. Additionally, he constantly looks to Justin or myself for that smile or nod of confirmation that what he is doing is okay. Thursday I initially caught myself wanting to just push him out there to play, but then it hit me. This is exactly what you want for your child. This is what you are hoping to instill in him. He should be cautious. He should check out things before diving in. He should seek the counsel and advice of his parents or another wise mentor. It is wonderful he seeks to please us because that prepares his heart to be taught about pleasing his Heavenly Father through his actions. That is when I got all teary. I pray that we get this right. God has given us a very prepared heart and I pray we shepherd it well. He will not always be looking back at me for that approval and I hate to think of the day that those glances back to me begin to decrease because I am a mom and that is the way my heart works. However, as a parent under God's calling I can only pray and work to make sure that when those glances for approval aren't back to me that they are to God.