ABOUT A BOY

After the loss of our twins (both girls) there was an ache in my heart for a daughter. I had spent right around 5 months planning to have twins and had known for several weeks that they would be girls when they were born too soon and went quickly to Heaven. Following that loss I knew we would have more children right away. I had always wanted four children and planned to stick with that for as long as it was also what we felt God leading us to do.

Fast forward a few years and we are well on our way to four kids with our three boys. I definitely still had a desire in my heart for a daughter and often found myself feeling jealous when a friend would find out she was expecting a girl. There were some ugly moments, I'm not gonna lie. There were moments where I had to just go to God and pray that he heal my heart because I knew those feelings stemmed from my loss and I didn't like feeling that way. I was genuinely happy for my friends, but the jealousy was real.

This pregnancy wasn't a complete surprise, but Justin and I were definitely still praying about the possibility of a fourth child, adoption, foster care, and a whole host of other things when I found out I was pregnant. We were thrilled and a little part of me began to hope for a girl. I could imagine bows, and ballet slippers, mother/daughter outings, and all things pink. I would look at girl nurseries and clothes in my spare time and since this pregnancy was COMPLETELY different than any of my previous I thought for a time this baby might be a girl. We even had a girl name all ready and picked out. She was to be "Alice Emory".

About three weeks ago all of those feelings began to change. Since the beginning of this pregnancy I have prayed daily that God protect this little one, keep myself and the baby healthy and strong, and that He would prepare me to be the mother he or she needs. It was during those prayers that my feelings about our 4th child began to change. The visions in my mind about what our family would look like in 2, 5, 10 years seemed right with four boys instead of three boys and a girl. I could no longer find that longing in my heart to have another daughter added to our family. A contentment in my heart developed with the idea of only boys in our home. It wasn't something I was doing in an effort to prepare for "not getting a girl", I could feel a difference in my heart. It was most definitely not something I was doing but with certainty God was moving in my heart.

I found myself turning to specific scripture during my quiet time (1st Corinthians, Titus, 1st and 2nd Timothy). I couldn't get enough of the Word and what it had to say about godly men. I found myself praying constantly that God would make me a better mother for my little men. The burden grew greater in my heart to raise leaders, protectors, prophets, and real men. The idea of a daughter was removed so completely from my heart and mind that it even showed up in the small worldly things. I would browse Pinterest and only the boys things appealed to me. When I strolled through the baby section at Target, I found myself drawn to the boy stuff. It was unreal and I noticed the change. Then a couple of nights before our ultrasound I was browsing online for nursery ideas. I was in the section for boys and ran across a sign that said "God can only make men from little boys" and I burst into tears. I knew at that moment that this baby would be a boy. I knew that God had destined for me in His plan to raise four boys into men that will serve Him. I knew it and I was thrilled with the idea.

When we found out for certain that this baby was going to be a boy, I was over the moon with joy. There wasn't one ounce of disappointment or grief over not having a girl. There is a contentment in my heart. I have been through a period of growth and pruning and God has revealed to me that I was created to be a mother of boys. Yes, I still think every day of my daughters in Heaven, but it wasn't in His plan for me to raise them. I was made for this!!! There is nothing like the peace of knowing you are doing exactly what you were created to do.

We have had a whole lot of different reactions when we tell people this baby is a boy. Most people are excited for us and offer congratulations, but we have received a lot of other comments as well. People can say the most ridiculous things. We get the typical, "Wow! That is a lot of boys!" or "Well will you keep trying for the girl?" Many (yes as in more than a couple) have actually responded, "Oh, I'm sorry." and look at me as if I have lost something dear. Most of the time I just smile and say, "We are really excited." Every time I walk away from those not so nice comments and wish I could share this story. I wish I could tell them about how I am amazed at the opportunity God has given us and how He prepared my heart to have a fourth boy. I don't, but I often walk away wishing I did.

So, I wanted to share that story here in our space about our family. I want it here for anyone who reads to know how thrilled we are. I want it here so I can look back at it in the coming years when our house full of four amazing boys gets to be loud, messy, and busy. I also wanted it here so that I have it documented just how overjoyed we are to welcome a fourth son. This may be our last baby (unless God changes our hearts about that too) and when I picture growing old with four sons I can hardly keep the tears of joy from spilling over. God is so good.