ABOUT A BOY

After the loss of our twins (both girls) there was an ache in my heart for a daughter. I had spent right around 5 months planning to have twins and had known for several weeks that they would be girls when they were born too soon and went quickly to Heaven. Following that loss I knew we would have more children right away. I had always wanted four children and planned to stick with that for as long as it was also what we felt God leading us to do.

Fast forward a few years and we are well on our way to four kids with our three boys. I definitely still had a desire in my heart for a daughter and often found myself feeling jealous when a friend would find out she was expecting a girl. There were some ugly moments, I'm not gonna lie. There were moments where I had to just go to God and pray that he heal my heart because I knew those feelings stemmed from my loss and I didn't like feeling that way. I was genuinely happy for my friends, but the jealousy was real.

This pregnancy wasn't a complete surprise, but Justin and I were definitely still praying about the possibility of a fourth child, adoption, foster care, and a whole host of other things when I found out I was pregnant. We were thrilled and a little part of me began to hope for a girl. I could imagine bows, and ballet slippers, mother/daughter outings, and all things pink. I would look at girl nurseries and clothes in my spare time and since this pregnancy was COMPLETELY different than any of my previous I thought for a time this baby might be a girl. We even had a girl name all ready and picked out. She was to be "Alice Emory".

About three weeks ago all of those feelings began to change. Since the beginning of this pregnancy I have prayed daily that God protect this little one, keep myself and the baby healthy and strong, and that He would prepare me to be the mother he or she needs. It was during those prayers that my feelings about our 4th child began to change. The visions in my mind about what our family would look like in 2, 5, 10 years seemed right with four boys instead of three boys and a girl. I could no longer find that longing in my heart to have another daughter added to our family. A contentment in my heart developed with the idea of only boys in our home. It wasn't something I was doing in an effort to prepare for "not getting a girl", I could feel a difference in my heart. It was most definitely not something I was doing but with certainty God was moving in my heart.

I found myself turning to specific scripture during my quiet time (1st Corinthians, Titus, 1st and 2nd Timothy). I couldn't get enough of the Word and what it had to say about godly men. I found myself praying constantly that God would make me a better mother for my little men. The burden grew greater in my heart to raise leaders, protectors, prophets, and real men. The idea of a daughter was removed so completely from my heart and mind that it even showed up in the small worldly things. I would browse Pinterest and only the boys things appealed to me. When I strolled through the baby section at Target, I found myself drawn to the boy stuff. It was unreal and I noticed the change. Then a couple of nights before our ultrasound I was browsing online for nursery ideas. I was in the section for boys and ran across a sign that said "God can only make men from little boys" and I burst into tears. I knew at that moment that this baby would be a boy. I knew that God had destined for me in His plan to raise four boys into men that will serve Him. I knew it and I was thrilled with the idea.

When we found out for certain that this baby was going to be a boy, I was over the moon with joy. There wasn't one ounce of disappointment or grief over not having a girl. There is a contentment in my heart. I have been through a period of growth and pruning and God has revealed to me that I was created to be a mother of boys. Yes, I still think every day of my daughters in Heaven, but it wasn't in His plan for me to raise them. I was made for this!!! There is nothing like the peace of knowing you are doing exactly what you were created to do.

We have had a whole lot of different reactions when we tell people this baby is a boy. Most people are excited for us and offer congratulations, but we have received a lot of other comments as well. People can say the most ridiculous things. We get the typical, "Wow! That is a lot of boys!" or "Well will you keep trying for the girl?" Many (yes as in more than a couple) have actually responded, "Oh, I'm sorry." and look at me as if I have lost something dear. Most of the time I just smile and say, "We are really excited." Every time I walk away from those not so nice comments and wish I could share this story. I wish I could tell them about how I am amazed at the opportunity God has given us and how He prepared my heart to have a fourth boy. I don't, but I often walk away wishing I did.

So, I wanted to share that story here in our space about our family. I want it here for anyone who reads to know how thrilled we are. I want it here so I can look back at it in the coming years when our house full of four amazing boys gets to be loud, messy, and busy. I also wanted it here so that I have it documented just how overjoyed we are to welcome a fourth son. This may be our last baby (unless God changes our hearts about that too) and when I picture growing old with four sons I can hardly keep the tears of joy from spilling over. God is so good.

LITTLE PREACHER

Earlier this week I spent some time with Grayson's class as they were learning about missions. Grayson answered a question that the guest speaker asked and he answered it well. His teacher commented something about him being a "little preacher". It was cute and the term was meant as a compliment. I had never thought of him as such, but I can definitely see how it could be a fitting term.

Fast forward to yesterday and I was privy to a front row seat of our Little Preacher in action and it was one of those moments a mother will never forget. Rowan came down with a stomach virus yesterday afternoon. It struck during nap with no warning. Yes, nap is right after lunch. He ate well at lunch. You get the picture? I had a huge mess on my hands. I am used to cleaning up unexpected puke in the middle of the night. Justin and I have a very nice system worked out where I take puking kid to the tub to wash and soothe. He takes care of changing the bed and cleaning up the mess on that end of things. We can knock it out quickly.

Justin was obviously at work yesterday. Baylor was down for nap. Grayson and I were doing school work. Once I entered Rowan's room after hearing him scream hysterically I knew I needed back up. I got him to the tub, washed him, and then called Grayson up to sit with him while I cleared away the mess in the bed. I wanted him to stay in the tub while I cleaned in case he puked again. Although the bathroom is attached to his room, I didn't want to leave him unattended. I instructed Grayson to just sit on the toilet and keep an eye on his brother. I took sheets and bedding items to the other bathroom to rise before throwing in the washer. As I come back into the room I overhear Grayson saying,

"You know Rowie, you don't ever have to be afraid because God is always with you. Even when you are throwing up, he is right there. He doesn't think it is gross because he loves you so much. Even though throwing up is scary you don't have to be afraid because he is there. He can also give you what you need. If you want to feel better, just ask him. If you are hungry and need food, you can ask him. Here is a verse: 'And my God will supply all your needs. . .' I think maybe that is Genesis 4:19. Wait, maybe not. Anyway, God can give you everything you need."

BE STILL MY HEART!!!! What a sweet moment! What a sweet brother!!! What a little preacher! By the way that is part of Philippians 4:19. He was close.

BABY CALDWELL IS A. . .

BOY!!!

We could not be more excited to be welcoming our fourth boy.

As you can see from the photo we had a most awesome gender reveal party. We had never done one before and it was so much much. My sister, sister-in-law, and a close family friend hosted and did more than an amazing job. We invited our family and it was just a really special day.

WHEN I GROW UP. . .

As adults we often ask kids, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" We know they are likely to change their minds a million times, but it is always entertaining to see what their latest idea is. Over the last 5 (almost 6 years) Grayson has had several ideas about his grown up job. Around 2 he decided he wanted to be a pediatrician. Around 4 he changed that to a jet pilot. Around 5 he decided while being a jet pilot he also wanted to be an astronaut. About 6 months ago, after watching Ratatouille, he decided he wanted to be a chef. I always smile at his latest aspiration and tell him that I think it sounds like an amazing job. I pray over him daily that the Lord will use him to reach others and that in whatever career path he chooses he will always bring glory and honor to Christ. I have always prayed that the Lord would work through me and help me to prepare them for how He would use them. Every day I pray this over them.

Just last week things got a little real. We were driving down the road. Grayson likes to talk about really important things as we are driving down the road. You know he is all the way in the third row. It is so easy to hear him way back there. From his seat a million miles away he announces, "I have decided that I want to be a missionary when I grow up." His statement hit me like a bolt of lightening. I asked, "What kind of missionary?" He explained that he wants to tell others about the love of Jesus. He more specifically wants to be a pilot who flies other missionaries into places that are hard to get to and to places where people don't know about God. I nodded and told him that I thought that sounded like a wonderful job. I explained how important missionaries are and how important it is to tell others about how Christ can save them from their sins.

The conversation was brief. We arrived at our destination and despite the fact that I tried to keep him in the car a little while to chat. He had moved on and was ready to get out. We moved on with our day despite the million thoughts that were racing through my mind over his announcement.

Over the course of the week life carried on and nothing else was mentioned. I continued to pray over my children as I do every day, but during my quiet time that conversation kept resurfacing. I could feel that God had some things to show me but I felt like I couldn't quiet the noise of my own heart long enough to hear. Fast forward to Sunday, we are in church and we are reading through Matthew Chapters 9 and 10. I was ripped from my frame with this:

Matthew 9:36-38

36 Seeing the people, He felt compassion for them, because they were distressed and dispirited like sheep without a shepherd. 37 Then He said to His disciples, “The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. 38 Therefore beseech the Lord of the harvest to send out workers into His harvest.”

In the original text there the words for compassion actually refers to a feeling in the gut, like what we would call gut wrenching compassion. In this scene Jesus is surrounded by a multitude of lost people. Their "distressed and dispirited" state wrecked him all the way to his core (gut). The word compassion there is LOADED. The Holy Spirit showed me a clear image of Jesus doubled over in agony over these lost people.

In that very moment God spoke very clearly to me that we are called to be completely ripped apart for the lost. I had a very clear image of my sweet, gentle boy being completely broken for the lost of the world. God clearly said I will use him and he will be completely broken for my lost sheep.

As I type the words the tears begin to flow. I'm going to be real honest here, when I pray those prayers described above I selfishly envisioned my children growing up, going to college, and finding a career. I envision them living a peaceful life and doing lots of wonderful things to bring glory to God in their community, church, and possibly around the world. I do not envision them completely broken for the lost. As a mother I can't imagine wishing that kind of pain on my children. I want to protect their hearts and that doesn't involve praying for their hearts to be completely broken. God has made it clear to me that I have been wrong, sinful, and selfish. They aren't mine, they are His. I can't be selfish and pray for His will for them at the same time. I have to open my heart to His plan for them and raise them accordingly. I have said for a long time that Grayson has the most tender heart that I have ever seen in a child (and I don't feel that way just because he is mine). His tenderness is like nothing I have ever seen and I have felt a real need to protect it vigilantly. God is slowly revealing to me that He has a plan for that tender heart and I need to keep myself out of the way.

My daily prayers over my children have changed significantly over the last couple of days. Do I know for certain that Grayson will grow up to fly planes and missionaries into remote parts of the world? Not certain. He could change his mind a million times or that little boy might have been speaking pure prophetic words when he made that declaration. I don't know that yet. What I do know is that God desires his heart, and all of our hearts, to be completely broken for the lost. He desires us to have gut wrenching kind of broken hearts. He also desires that I allow Him to work in my selfish heart so that I can help Him prepare my children to do His work. So, not only have I changed the prayers that I pray over the hearts of my own children but I have also really begun to think about my own heart. Maybe I will get to a place where I blog about that. Not there yet.