FIVE

At exactly 1:19 pm today Grayson was sitting on the back of our van with the lift gate up. His long skinny legs were dangling and swinging as I tried to get on shin guards, soccer socks, and shoes. It wasn't easy to get everything on as he wiggled with excitement and chatted with his best buddy Dawson in the back seat. I got all teary as I realized the time and remembered that at that very moment a seemingly brief five years before he was being placed in my arms for the very first time.

How did we get here? How is that tiny 6lb, 8 ounce bundle already five years old? The time has passed so quickly and although there are moments where I miss his newborn grunts, his one year old giggles, his two-year old cuggies, his three-year old questions, and his four-year old sweetness, I am so in love with the five-year old that he is.

At five (actually all his life)Grayson has a heart like no child I have ever met. He is so tender and caring. He loves with every ounce of his tiny being, gives freely without hesitation, and has an innocent sweetness that I can only pray survives as he gets to know this broken world we live in. Grayson is bright and inquisitive. He wants to know how things works and why they are. One of his favorite things to do is to watch videos with his dad of things like cars being made and ships being built. His favorite color is still black, but he no longer wants to be a doctor. He has traded that dream for the dream of being a jet pilot. I can only imagine how many times that will change before he is all grown up. He plays rough but with caution. He is a rule follower and occasionally more of a follower than this momma's heart wants to see. He is polite and wants everyone to be pleased with him, a true first born. He fights with his brothers but loves them fiercely. He also loves his sisters and makes sure everyone knows that he has two sisters in Heaven. I love the way he shares that with people without any worry that it might make them uncomfortable. He loves to help around the house and is thrilled to do chores. I can only pray that lasts into his teens. He is really into Batman and he loves to watch Loony Toons. He still sleeps with his Blue Bear but no longer asks to take it school. He is great at soccer and has an incredible arm. He loves to go for runs and has recently taken to roller skating. His favorite foods are corn dogs, breakfast for dinner, and quesadillas. He still gets too excited to sleep and I almost always have to wait until right when something is about to happen to tell him about it. I love so much about this boy.

So here we are five years into life with this amazing little guy. I pray every day that God helps me to be the mother he needs and prepares my heart for the rest of the journey. He sure is a blessing.

BOSTON

By now news media, bloggers, celebrities, and well just about everyone in the world has made public comment and condolences about the horrific events that took place at the Boston Marathon this week. Horrific, heartbreaking, devastating, and this list goes on and on. It is no doubt that our nation has abruptly been thrust into grief yet again and our security is shaken. We grieve as a nation for the lives lost and those forever changed. This act of pure evil has invaded an event that was inspiring and encouraging. That is exactly what is was, evil. That is the reality. We live in a fallen world. Evil is all around us.

I was watching the Boston news coverage on Monday while my boys were napping. Grayson came downstairs without me realizing and saw some of the coverage. He had a million questions. Four-year olds have a million questions about everything. He wanted to know what exploded. He wanted to know why there were so many people there. He wanted to know why there were policemen running. He wanted to know if bad guys or good guys made the explosions. It was a tough parenting moment. I had a decision to make. I could change the subject and protect him from the reality or I could try to explain. It was hard. My job is to protect him. It is also my job to teach him about the realities of our fallen world.

I turned the volume down and took Grayson to the kitchen. I talked to him about the Boston Marathon. I talked to him about the amazing athletes who run there and the people who are there celebrating the runners. I then began to explain that there are evil sinful people in the world. There are people who do horrible things to good people. I told Grayson that one or some of those evil people had made explosions at the race to hurt people. I tried to be gentle and I left out most of the scary details. He surmised that a super hero must have been battling bad guys and the explosion hurt people by accident. I wasn't surprised by the response and I didn't try to convince him otherwise. I love that he still can't fathom that someone would hurt all those people on purpose. I hate that the reality is that someone did such a horrible thing on purpose.

Maybe is wasn't the right thing to do. Maybe I should have changed the subject. Maybe he shouldn't hear yet how awful this world is in it's separation from God. However, I felt it was important for him to begin to understand that the world is sinful. I can't shelter him from that truth forever. He saw what he saw and I had a choice to make in that moment about how to respond. I felt like I delivered enough of the reality to him to protect him while being honest. I wanted to be honest with him instead of just dodging his question. I want to Shepard his heart in just the right and I pray every day for guidance in doing that. Man this is tough.

Afterwards we prayed for Boston, for the people hurting there, and for our fallen world. He said amen and went on to ask about snack. He hasn't really mentioned it since and didn't ask any further questions when I had him wear his Boston shirt today. I wanted him to wear it in support even if he didn't understand why. It feels like too small of a gesture for all of that hurt. We will continue to pray for Boston and all of our country, even though that doesn't seem like enough either.

ON THE VERGE

I am having one of those days. It often happens on Sundays, just before the start of a new week. I sit down and look at the calendar and begin to feel so very overwhelmed. There is so much to be done and I just wish the weekend could last a little longer. The next several weeks are particularly insane and right now my chest feels like I have a 50 pound weight sitting on it.

In 8 days Grayson will be five. I can't believe I am about to have a five-year old. Thinking about that gets me all teary and choked up. I also can't believe all that I need to get done before his two (one for family and one for his preschool friends) parties. Thank goodness we aren't doing a giant party this year inviting everyone we know. Boy then I would be a mess.

On top of that we have a million appointments (dentist, doctor, hair cuts), soccer, t-ball, church activities, and school activities going on. It just all seems to be showing up on the calendar at once. We have a big auction event at the preschool, a family day at my dad's company, and a walk for a local pregnancy center in the coming weekends. To top it all off, we leave for a week at Disney in less than a month.

The next weeks will fly by. Before I know it all of these events will be over, I will have a five-year old, and we will be in Disney recovery mode. I know it will go by in a blink. I think that is where my stress comes from. Does that even make sense??? I know that I will get everything done. Come what may, I WILL get everything done. That is just what we do. However, I also want to enjoy every minute. I hate that I often get in "just get it all taken care of" mode and feel like I miss out on the joy of the moments.

I can't be the only person who feels this way. Am I crazy for stressing over not enjoying it all enough? I get in this state where I feel like I am on the verge of it all going awry at any moment and I just miss the joy of the moments.

Here is what I realize as I am mulling over this insane cycle I get in, this cycle where I start to panic on a Sunday evening about the business of the coming week(s). I have to give it all up. Not in the sense of throwing in the towel. I have to give it up to the Lord. I am not in control, He is. I can't do any of this without Him. I am freaking for no reason. He does care about even the smallest details of our lives because He cares about me.

Philippians 4:6 says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Matthew 7:9-11 says “Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!”.

So, I will take comfort. I will give it all up to Him. I will ask for the strength, stamina, and persistence to get it all done. I will also ask that I am able to soak it all in and enjoy every moment and I know He will provide for all of that. With that peace I can easily face tomorrow and the next several weeks.

WE HAVE TO DO BETTER

My four-year old's (almost five!!!) favorite verse is Matthew 22:39 "The second is like it, 'YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.' He quotes it all the time. That probably has a lot less to do with my awesome parenting and a lot more to do with the fact that it is one of our house rules and he hears it all the time.

In the 22nd chapter of Matthew Jesus has been asked what the greatest commandment is. He responds with "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'Matthew 22:37. Notice how verse 39 begins, "The second is like it. . .". Some translations actually read "as important as this is. . .". Jesus is saying here that is is just as important to love our neighbors. That is BIG folks!!! Who is your neighbor? EVERYONE!!! Wow, you mean I have to love everyone? Yep!

Fellow Christians we are failing big time here. Loving involves some action. Yes we can pray for others and quietly donate our money to charities that love on others, but the responsibility doesn't stop there. Not if you are able bodied. We need to be out there loving on each other and showing Christ's love to others. It doesn't have to be huge acts of kindness or costly things. Just love one another.

Just today I was leaving Target. I was in a hurry. I had picked up some eggs and I needed to get them home and in the fridge before heading to my next client. I am a speech therapist and I do home visits. As I was leaving the parking lot I see a woman loading her kids in the car as her cart sits up on the sidewalk. A gust of wind pushes her cart off the curb and it topples. She had two of those giant bouncy balls. Her groceries are everywhere, her kids are screaming, and those bouncy balls are rolling away as fast as they can. I am in my car almost to the exit. I turned around, parked, and picked up all of her groceries while she fetched the balls.

I don't tell this story because I want to brag on my action. This action cost me nothing major. It took an extra three minutes, tops. I could see on the woman's face that she was shocked I came to help. She was very thankful. I didn't do that because I am some awesome good person. I did it because I have been there and I knew she needed a little love at that moment. I have been the woman with spilled groceries and screaming kids in the parking lot when no one stops to help. I have been the woman in line with three sick kids, one item, and a person in front of me in line with a cart full that doesn't let me go ahead. I have been the woman who while serving her kids snack at the park has all her napkins blow away and not one mother helps me collect them or offers to watch and make sure my kids don't run off while I chase this mess down. I have been there and in a million other situations where it would have just been nice for someone to help and show me a little love.

I have also been the on the receiving end of some amazing acts of love and kindness, but unfortunately those acts rarely come from strangers. When I am out and about alone I have that feeling that it is just me and I better pray nothing goes wrong. This is so very unfortunate! Where were my fellow Christians in my time of need. Where was that stranger who knew it was their opportunity to show the kind of love to a neighbor that Christ was talking about when I needed it? We stink at this. Christians, we have to do better! I am definitely including myself here. I often catch myself being too caught up in my own daily agenda to worry about those around me who may be in need. We are all great at helping those we love. We help our friends. We often rush in during their times of need. We don't do the same for strangers. That is sad. We must do better.

IT CAN'T BE. . .

After all this time? Really? Blogging again? Yep, that's me. I am back! It has been well over a year since my last post. That is an insanely long time. I made it one of my New Year's resolutions to start blogging again. Yep, it's April. Oh well, I am not known for my punctuality. Although that was a resolution too. I better stop talking about those resolutions or I will start to feel like a big failure.

So, since my last post we have added a new little boy to the family, Rowan, and we have just been living. Life gets crazy. It has been a roller coaster or a year or so. I will add in flash back posts as I feel like it. The main thing is that I wanted to get back to writing (or typing) out my experiences and thoughts. Not because I really think anyone is going to read them. I am pretty sure no one glances at my space in on the internet anymore to see if I have posted. I didn't have a whole bunch of readers anyway. The bottom line is that over the last nine months I have written a million posts in my head. Something happens and I instantly start an inner dialog about how I would narrate the experience. I think I do that because it helps me sore out my thoughts and feelings about this journey of life. I want to remember these thoughts and experiences. So here I am back to document.