TODAY

This is about to be real honest. If you can't handle it, move on.

I just don't like this day. I dread it all year. I hate that I have a true "Worst Day Ever". Anytime I am having a bad day and start to say to myself for a fleeting moment (as most of us do), "This is the worst day", I am stopped dead in my tracks with the realization that whatever I am dealing with doesn't even compare to my true worst day. I hate that every year I feel like all the emotions from that day resurface and are just as raw and painful as they were the day it all happened. I also hate that this day most often falls real close to Mother's Day making me dread Mother's Day every year. Today is the five year anniversary of my worst day ever. On Mother's Day five years ago I left Duke hospital without my babies.

On top of the loss and grief that resurface, this days brings a whole mess of Mommy guilt. How in the world can a mother dread the birthday of her daughters? I do. I dread it. I know that it is their birthday and a day to be thankful for their time with us, although way too short in my opinion. I am thankful for them. I am thankful for their birthday, but how can I also be thankful and celebrate the day their life ended. Since it all happened on the same day I just find a real hard time with celebrating this day. There is a part of me that wants to make a big deal and do something special today, but the grief makes all of that so overwhelming. I would genuinely like to stay in bed and just skip this day, but at the same time I feel horribly guilty for not making more of an effort to celebrate them.

We don't skip it. Life goes on and there is work and activities planned every year on this day. We have to carry on and so we do. Today I worked. After I worked I spent some time with Grayson at a wonderful Mother's Day lunch that his school hosted. He wrote some very sweet things about me and all three boys showered me with all kinds of handmade gifts. It was fun. We, the boys and I, went to pick out new flowers for the cemetery. We do that every year on this day and they look forward to it. We rested. We went to the park with our small group and the moms had Starbucks and small talk. We ordered pizza for dinner because that is fun and easy. We planned to make pink cupcakes with pick icing and pink sprinkles to celebrate. I didn't have enough cupcake liners, so we will save that for tomorrow. Some day in the next couple of weeks we will go to the cemetery to replace the flowers. It was a day and to our boys probably much like any other day in our house (minus the flower shopping). For me it wasn't like any other day. Today is the day that I wear glasses because by 8 am I have cried enough to dry out my contacts and ruin them for the day. Today is the day that tears fall when I least expect them and people look over at me wondering why that weird lady is crying while she pays for pizza. Today is the day that it bothers me most when people forget but at the same time I don't want to talk about it. Yes, I realize that is an unfair expectation. I forget the birthdays of the living all the time. I certainly shouldn't expect everyone to remember today. I don't expect everyone to remember but knowing people forget makes me cry anyway. Tonight after everyone else in asleep I will get out their box. It is the box that holds their pictures, blankets, hats, and the only things we have of them. We keep the hats in plastic bags and I am terrified that after five years their smell may be gone when I open them. I will hold the things briefly and close it up again until next year or until one of the boys ask to see what is inside again. Then I will wake up tomorrow and this day will have passed.

Loss doesn't get easier. The hole left from the loss of a child or children never goes away and it doesn't really get easier. People say that time heals. People say that it gets easier. People lie. That just isn't the truth. What is true is that the one true God comforts and lifts you up out of the despair. It is only by His power that I can rise above the pain that is still very much there and I don't imagine will ever get easier. He gives me the strength and courage to carry on and I truly believe that out of his love and compassion for our heartache he miraculously makes the pain not so close to the surface every day. That is how I smile. That is how I don't cry every single day. That is how I can talk about my daughters without tears on any other day except today. That is how I carry on and enjoy life and all of its blessings. It is His miracle. His gift to me. Also the truth in my heart of an eternity in Heaven that I will spend with my daughters rejoicing at the feet of our Lord.

It isn't easier. Today stinks. The hurt and grief come all the way back to the surface on this day. I have finally decided it is okay that I don't like this day.