MAY-THE WILD RIDE

I can't be the only mom out there that feels like May is just a really tough month. This May has been especially wild. We started out May in Jamaica. No, I am not complaining about that one bit. Justin and I went to be there to see my sister and her long-time sweetie tie the knot. It was a beautiful wedding and amazing trip. Too short, but amazing. What I should have done was used that trip to prepare mentally for the rest of May. I did not. Sure, we relaxed and spent time enjoying one another without the boys around, but the reality of May wasn't on my radar.

The reality of May hit when I got back and looked on the calendar. The reality was driven home a little more when our regular sitter looked at the calendar on her first day back and said, "You guys have a lot going on!" Right when we got back was the day I dread most of the year (see previous post) and then we went full swing into chaos. May is so odd when you have kids. You have one foot in summer and one foot lingering on those final steps of the school year. There are summer sports beginning, year round sports (for us gymnastics for B)ending, Wednesday night church activities wrapping up, summer plans being made, end of year programs, Mother's Day activities, and more! This year we also worked hard to make sure that Grayson finished homeschooling Kindergarten at the same time he finished his pre-K morning program. I wanted the end of the year to be the END for him. I don't know why that was so important, but it was. To top it all off there is the odd couple of weeks at the end of May when all regular day time programs for the boys have ceased, but the school where I work is not out yet. It is insane and I don't do well with that.

Let me tell you mamas, by May I basically stink at everything. For the final two (if I am being honest 4 or 6) weeks of school Grayson had no backpack. His ripped. It was not worth it to me to sew it back together for only a few weeks. There was no time for that. Rowan and Baylor went to their morning program most days without their bags. I had them by the door, or in the car, or on the floor but COULD NOT remember to take them in with the boys. I try to make sure I am that mom that makes life as easy on those serving my children as possible. I try to keep all important dates on my calendar, I try to always pack and take the things they are supposed to have, I pay attention to classroom needs and requests so that we can do our part. I participate, usually. By May, I stink!!! I am just done! Then the "Done" version of me tries to do end of year teacher gifts, parties, programs, and everything else. It isn't pretty. This year I made a decision early in May that I would not get frustrated with it all and I would take the chaos one day at a time even if it wasn't pretty. I promised myself I would go with the flow and take one day at a time.

There were several times over the last few weeks that I started to get discouraged. There were moments when I forgot the promise I made to myself and I just wanted to go to bed and wake up on June 1st. It seemed like every time the calendar would start to get the best of me I would find myself rushing half-crazed into seated at one of these programs watching one of my little guys show their stuff and it would make all the rush as chaos of this time of year a little less major. Those moments are so precious. Sure it has been busy, we are in the final week and I can finally start to feel the ease of summer creeping in. I look back and May has been FULL of some amazing moments. I am glad that I didn't let the calendar or my dislike of chaos take those moments from me. So mamas with a crazy May, hold tight. The end is in sight. We are almost there. Remember these programs and events are so special. Take a minute to forget all the chaos and enjoy them. Maybe if we can do that we won't have to spend half of June recovering.

TODAY

This is about to be real honest. If you can't handle it, move on.

I just don't like this day. I dread it all year. I hate that I have a true "Worst Day Ever". Anytime I am having a bad day and start to say to myself for a fleeting moment (as most of us do), "This is the worst day", I am stopped dead in my tracks with the realization that whatever I am dealing with doesn't even compare to my true worst day. I hate that every year I feel like all the emotions from that day resurface and are just as raw and painful as they were the day it all happened. I also hate that this day most often falls real close to Mother's Day making me dread Mother's Day every year. Today is the five year anniversary of my worst day ever. On Mother's Day five years ago I left Duke hospital without my babies.

On top of the loss and grief that resurface, this days brings a whole mess of Mommy guilt. How in the world can a mother dread the birthday of her daughters? I do. I dread it. I know that it is their birthday and a day to be thankful for their time with us, although way too short in my opinion. I am thankful for them. I am thankful for their birthday, but how can I also be thankful and celebrate the day their life ended. Since it all happened on the same day I just find a real hard time with celebrating this day. There is a part of me that wants to make a big deal and do something special today, but the grief makes all of that so overwhelming. I would genuinely like to stay in bed and just skip this day, but at the same time I feel horribly guilty for not making more of an effort to celebrate them.

We don't skip it. Life goes on and there is work and activities planned every year on this day. We have to carry on and so we do. Today I worked. After I worked I spent some time with Grayson at a wonderful Mother's Day lunch that his school hosted. He wrote some very sweet things about me and all three boys showered me with all kinds of handmade gifts. It was fun. We, the boys and I, went to pick out new flowers for the cemetery. We do that every year on this day and they look forward to it. We rested. We went to the park with our small group and the moms had Starbucks and small talk. We ordered pizza for dinner because that is fun and easy. We planned to make pink cupcakes with pick icing and pink sprinkles to celebrate. I didn't have enough cupcake liners, so we will save that for tomorrow. Some day in the next couple of weeks we will go to the cemetery to replace the flowers. It was a day and to our boys probably much like any other day in our house (minus the flower shopping). For me it wasn't like any other day. Today is the day that I wear glasses because by 8 am I have cried enough to dry out my contacts and ruin them for the day. Today is the day that tears fall when I least expect them and people look over at me wondering why that weird lady is crying while she pays for pizza. Today is the day that it bothers me most when people forget but at the same time I don't want to talk about it. Yes, I realize that is an unfair expectation. I forget the birthdays of the living all the time. I certainly shouldn't expect everyone to remember today. I don't expect everyone to remember but knowing people forget makes me cry anyway. Tonight after everyone else in asleep I will get out their box. It is the box that holds their pictures, blankets, hats, and the only things we have of them. We keep the hats in plastic bags and I am terrified that after five years their smell may be gone when I open them. I will hold the things briefly and close it up again until next year or until one of the boys ask to see what is inside again. Then I will wake up tomorrow and this day will have passed.

Loss doesn't get easier. The hole left from the loss of a child or children never goes away and it doesn't really get easier. People say that time heals. People say that it gets easier. People lie. That just isn't the truth. What is true is that the one true God comforts and lifts you up out of the despair. It is only by His power that I can rise above the pain that is still very much there and I don't imagine will ever get easier. He gives me the strength and courage to carry on and I truly believe that out of his love and compassion for our heartache he miraculously makes the pain not so close to the surface every day. That is how I smile. That is how I don't cry every single day. That is how I can talk about my daughters without tears on any other day except today. That is how I carry on and enjoy life and all of its blessings. It is His miracle. His gift to me. Also the truth in my heart of an eternity in Heaven that I will spend with my daughters rejoicing at the feet of our Lord.

It isn't easier. Today stinks. The hurt and grief come all the way back to the surface on this day. I have finally decided it is okay that I don't like this day.