WHEN I GROW UP. . .

As adults we often ask kids, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" We know they are likely to change their minds a million times, but it is always entertaining to see what their latest idea is. Over the last 5 (almost 6 years) Grayson has had several ideas about his grown up job. Around 2 he decided he wanted to be a pediatrician. Around 4 he changed that to a jet pilot. Around 5 he decided while being a jet pilot he also wanted to be an astronaut. About 6 months ago, after watching Ratatouille, he decided he wanted to be a chef. I always smile at his latest aspiration and tell him that I think it sounds like an amazing job. I pray over him daily that the Lord will use him to reach others and that in whatever career path he chooses he will always bring glory and honor to Christ. I have always prayed that the Lord would work through me and help me to prepare them for how He would use them. Every day I pray this over them.

Just last week things got a little real. We were driving down the road. Grayson likes to talk about really important things as we are driving down the road. You know he is all the way in the third row. It is so easy to hear him way back there. From his seat a million miles away he announces, "I have decided that I want to be a missionary when I grow up." His statement hit me like a bolt of lightening. I asked, "What kind of missionary?" He explained that he wants to tell others about the love of Jesus. He more specifically wants to be a pilot who flies other missionaries into places that are hard to get to and to places where people don't know about God. I nodded and told him that I thought that sounded like a wonderful job. I explained how important missionaries are and how important it is to tell others about how Christ can save them from their sins.

The conversation was brief. We arrived at our destination and despite the fact that I tried to keep him in the car a little while to chat. He had moved on and was ready to get out. We moved on with our day despite the million thoughts that were racing through my mind over his announcement.

Over the course of the week life carried on and nothing else was mentioned. I continued to pray over my children as I do every day, but during my quiet time that conversation kept resurfacing. I could feel that God had some things to show me but I felt like I couldn't quiet the noise of my own heart long enough to hear. Fast forward to Sunday, we are in church and we are reading through Matthew Chapters 9 and 10. I was ripped from my frame with this:

Matthew 9:36-38

36 Seeing the people, He felt compassion for them, because they were distressed and dispirited like sheep without a shepherd. 37 Then He said to His disciples, “The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. 38 Therefore beseech the Lord of the harvest to send out workers into His harvest.”

In the original text there the words for compassion actually refers to a feeling in the gut, like what we would call gut wrenching compassion. In this scene Jesus is surrounded by a multitude of lost people. Their "distressed and dispirited" state wrecked him all the way to his core (gut). The word compassion there is LOADED. The Holy Spirit showed me a clear image of Jesus doubled over in agony over these lost people.

In that very moment God spoke very clearly to me that we are called to be completely ripped apart for the lost. I had a very clear image of my sweet, gentle boy being completely broken for the lost of the world. God clearly said I will use him and he will be completely broken for my lost sheep.

As I type the words the tears begin to flow. I'm going to be real honest here, when I pray those prayers described above I selfishly envisioned my children growing up, going to college, and finding a career. I envision them living a peaceful life and doing lots of wonderful things to bring glory to God in their community, church, and possibly around the world. I do not envision them completely broken for the lost. As a mother I can't imagine wishing that kind of pain on my children. I want to protect their hearts and that doesn't involve praying for their hearts to be completely broken. God has made it clear to me that I have been wrong, sinful, and selfish. They aren't mine, they are His. I can't be selfish and pray for His will for them at the same time. I have to open my heart to His plan for them and raise them accordingly. I have said for a long time that Grayson has the most tender heart that I have ever seen in a child (and I don't feel that way just because he is mine). His tenderness is like nothing I have ever seen and I have felt a real need to protect it vigilantly. God is slowly revealing to me that He has a plan for that tender heart and I need to keep myself out of the way.

My daily prayers over my children have changed significantly over the last couple of days. Do I know for certain that Grayson will grow up to fly planes and missionaries into remote parts of the world? Not certain. He could change his mind a million times or that little boy might have been speaking pure prophetic words when he made that declaration. I don't know that yet. What I do know is that God desires his heart, and all of our hearts, to be completely broken for the lost. He desires us to have gut wrenching kind of broken hearts. He also desires that I allow Him to work in my selfish heart so that I can help Him prepare my children to do His work. So, not only have I changed the prayers that I pray over the hearts of my own children but I have also really begun to think about my own heart. Maybe I will get to a place where I blog about that. Not there yet.