TWO YEARS

Faith and Avery are two years old today and they are celebrating in heaven instead of here with us. In some respects this day has gotten easier and in some ways it is so much harder with each passing year. Easier because time heals everything to an extent. Easier because today is a birthday it isn't the day we said good-bye two years ago. Easier because we aren't still sitting in the hospital in disbelief. We have accepted and done our best to move forward.

But it is harder in so many ways. Its harder because we don't have little toddler girls running around our house and I think about that every day. Harder because twins are everywhere and I am sure I have seen at least a dozen today. Harder because with each passing year what we thought would be is further and further away.

God did a lot of good things in our life through the loss of our daughters. That I will never deny. I also know better than to question His most perfect plan. BUT today I am allowed to just be a bit angry, a lot sad, and a mom who did the one thing no mother should never have to do. I am a mom who held her daughters as life left their little bodies two years ago today and that is just hard.

GRAY BEAR IS THREE

It is so hard to believe that my oldest son is already three. Time just keeps flying by. I have decided and started to accept that is just the nature of being a mom. Your kids just grow up faster than you want them to. I said I am accepting it, that doesn't mean I am okay with it.

For Grayson's third birthday we had a party with his friends at Marbles. Marbles is the children's museum in our home town. Grayson wanted a Toy Story party and that is what he got. His party included 24 of he best toddler friends and a lot of fun. Since Grayson's actual birthday fell on Good Friday, we decided to have his party the weekend before and the turn out proved we made the best decision. He had a Toy Story cake made by mommy with help from daddy and Aunt B. It was adorable. It was also a lifesaver that Aunt B and Peyt came up to help the day before the party. On Friday morning I woke up with a horrible case of mastitis. I was about as sick as I have ever been. Thankfully I not only had wonderful help, but for once I had already purchased almost everything I needed for the party so that I only had the cake to work on Friday. On his actual birthday we had a family party, just the four of us and he had popsicles at school with his friends.

At his three-year check up Grayson weighed 28 1/4 lbs., he was 36 inches tall, and had a BMI of 15.3. He is slight but is so adorable. My sweet little three year old is still wearing size 18-24 month clothing. It is very hard to find pants for him because although he is super skinny he has pretty long legs. Adjustable waist are the only thing that works.

His best friends at school are Davis and Dawson and he says he is going to marry Rin. He loves any opportunity to see his cousin Peyton. They play together like brothers and it is just too fun to watch. Besides all of that, his most favorite person in the world is his little brother. He loves Baylor in a way that makes my heart melt. He is more kind, generous, and patient with his brother than I ever even imagined a three-year old could be capable of. He looks for Baylor first thing in the morning and is certain to give him a big kiss before he goes to bed at night.

Grayson loves TV. Yep, he loves it to the point that we have to keep firm limits on TV watching and being told he can't watch something he wants almost always brings big tears to his eyes. He also loves superheroes, Toy Story, motorcycles, and playing ball (he has an amazing arm). He loves to dress up in his Spider Man costume and pretend he is getting the bad guys. Yep, he is all boy! At three he still says he wants to be a doctor when he grows up which is fine with us as long as his doesn't go to Carolina for it.

At three Grayson is the sweetest most tender little boy I have ever met. He is about as sweet as they come. He is kind to everyone but tends to be a little shy in new situations. He is tender-hearted in a way that reminds me of myself when I was little. The smallest reprimand can bring tears to his eyes and he genuinely wants his mommy and daddy to be proud of him at all times. He is a very good little boy and rarely requires more than one reminder to make the right decision or obey the rules. He is about as far as you can get from rebellious. He cares for others without reservation and with the gentle innocence only a child can possess. He doesn't yet know to be fearful of the scary things in the world and wants to make sure everyone is loved and taken care of. He still prays often for a homeless man I mentioned months ago and still questions why he can't come live in our house. God will do great things with a heart like that.

Happy Birthday sweet boy. Mommy and daddy are proud and blessed to be your parents EVERY day. I love you too much!

NO MATTER WHAT

Things have been insane lately. Remember this post about starting our New Year over on February 1? Yeah well things have been even crazier since that post. Baylor had RSV, we had two (yep, two) floods at our rental property, a fire in my office building, Justin is sick again, and that is just the major stuff. Additionally work has been really wild for more reasons than I care to blog about, basically increasing my work-load by double. I am now carrying a full caseload in addition to my management responsiblities.

It also seems every week has brought with it a MAJOR to-do. What are MAJOR to-dos you ask. Well, those are things like preschool registration for 2011-2012, Grayson transitioning to five-day preschool, booking and paying for a big vacation/friend's wedding in May, the purchase of a mini-van out of requirement because my old car was a lease that was ending, and having a suspicious mole removed (that turned out to be fine. PRAISE). Before I go any further. . . Yes, we know leasing is not a smart financial decision. That was not our decision. That lease was part of an employment package. It wasn't our lease.

Things have just been crazy. Some people have said things to me like, "oh this is normal when you have two small children" or "you better get used to it". No, I don't think this is "normal" just because we have two small children. Things like flood, fire, and big financial stresses are not "normal". I feel like we are in the midst of a hail storm on most days. I feel like I spend most days trying to keep from drowning in the insanity, nevermind the laundry which literally went a good two weeks with no attention. I am not even kidding. We got to a point that it had to be done because there was nothing clean to wear. Don't even get me started on the house cleaning and we are potty training again. Yep, Grayson completely regressed and REFUSED to go potty after being almost completely trained. We went back to diapers because I refused to get into a battle of wills with him. We are back at it now and he is in his underwear today following a long explanation that his baby diaper are all gone and he is not allowed to wear them. He can potty successfully. He has proved that.

So, I was getting all frustrated with life in general and really questioning why, when I was desiring so much to grow in a deeper relationship with God, did it seem like He was making it impossible. When things are as insane as they have been there is little time for quiet time with God. Then it hit me. Things have been crazy since around December. In December I had a real heart to heart with God about my desires to have a deeper relationship with Him and to really start spending more time in personal devotion and devotion as a family. Cue the insanity.

I was driving in the car Thursday just praying that God would speak to me and give me some peace about the storm I feel surrounds me. After I finished praying I turned on the radio and God spoke to me right through the song that came on. I wanted to share it with the few of you that have stuck around despite my absence.

I know the closer I grow to God, the more the enemy will try to distract me from that relationship. No matter what I am going through and what the enemy uses to trip me up, God is still there working to make beautiful this mess of our lives.

Enjoy!

UPDATE ON SPAWNWATCH

Hi friends! Thanks to all of you who have been praying for my dear friends over at Spawnwatch. They got really great news today. Hop on over to their blog and check it out! Thanks again for the prayers. God is so good!

JOIN ME

Please join me in prayer today for "N" and "M" my friends who are hoping for a successful pregnancy today after their third IVF procedure (2nd FET). You can follow their story here.

GRAYSON

It has been a long time since I did a blog full of updates on my oldest son. Over the weekend he hit the 2 years, 9 months old mark. I can't believe we are 3 short months away from having a 3 year old in our house. Today he is sick. He has a bad cough and a fever. He has been sick since Friday. So today he is laid up on the couch watching movies quietly. That is a far cry from his typical level of activity. Yes, this guy keeps our lives entertaining.

He probably weighs no more than 26 pounds and is as skinny as a minute (a nice southern term to make my non-southern readers giggle). He is getting rather tall and seems to have gone through some sort of growth spurt in the last few months. It is becoming VERY difficult to find pants that stay up on his skinny waist without looking like he is on the way to a flood. Yes, we have tried several varieties of adjustable waist pants and in most instances they sit on his waist but look strangely baggy. It is also getting harder to find shirts that have long enough sleeves but fit around the next and shoulders. I try and try to get calories in him. He eats pretty well for a 2 year old and loves peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, which I LOAD with peanut butter. Even with adding extra calories where I can and still feel like I am training a healthy eater, he stays skinny. I know I was that way as a child so I don't really worry about it.

Grayson has the sweetest personality. He is very tender-hearted and kind. He loves to learn about new things and is constantly asking "why". He loves to help me in the kitchen and regularly askes to get "up counter" to help when I am preparing dinner or baking. He got his own vacuum cleaner for Christmas because he loves to help me clean. He is a great big brother and often entertains Baylor while I am getting things done around the house. No one can make Baylor laugh as hard as Grayson.

He is currently going to preschool 3 half days per week. Beginning in February he will be attending 5 half days per week. We have been on the waiting list for 5 days for a while so I am happy the spot has opened up. I think the consistency of being there every day will be good for him. He has started going to chapel at school and has transitioned to the preschool wing for Sunday school. In both places he is learning lots of bible stories and is starting to ask a lot of questions about God and Jesus. I pray daily that I am being the teacher I need to be for him on these subjects. I know the questions are only going to get harder to answer.

He says really funny things all the time and on most occasions he doesn't even mean to be funny. Just last night, after watching a Pater Pan movie, he commented on the fact that the people could fly. Justin asked him if he could fly. His reply, "I can't fly! I don't have wings. I just have some hands." He followed that with, "Dem are for waving." While he has been sick he keeps referencing his sickness as the "cough in his mouth". He will say things like, "I don't want to give brother this cough in my mouth so I will sit over here" or "I don't feel good. I keep having this cough in my mouth." His sweet, sweet words keep us laughing. He continues to be one of the greatest blessings I have ever received.

STARTING MY NEW YEAR OVER

Things have been crazy. Since Christmas things haven't slowed down. I love the holidays. It is my favorite time of year, but by the end I typically welcome the New Year along with the slow down it typically brings. This year has been different.

Between snow, ice, sickness, work craziness, and a million other things I feel like we are still in the middle of the holiday whirlwind. I had few resolutions for the new year and I haven't even been able to get those going. The biggest problem is that I look back over the last few weeks and I couldn't tell you what I have been doing. It has been a total blur.

I think the biggest issues have been sickness and snow/ice days. I am a one who thrives with a routine and a schedule. We haven't had a typical week since Christmas. The week after Christmas it snowed and Justin and I went to Orlando for State's bowl game. By the way, that was a totally awesome trip and was made even better by visiting with our friends Kacey and Chris. I just love that girl! Then it was the New Year and we had some family Christmas celebrating left to do. The week after that the boys went back to preschool in the middle of the week. Since they didn't go on Monday and my office was closed that Monday, that week was off. The week after we had an ice storm. This past week the preschool was closed for the Martin Luther King holiday, Justin had to travel to Georgia, and THEN all three fellas in my house got sick in the middle of preparing for my office Christmas party that was last night. Yes, Christmas party. It was rescheduled after the prediction of snow in December resulted in cancellation. Next week? Yeah, the preschool is closed tomorrow for a teacher workday so again it will not be a typical week.

What is the point in all this rambling you ask? Well, I am declaring that February 1 will be my New Year Re-Do. I will start my resolutions then and hopefully the new month and a chance at a New Year repeat will bring the normalcy I was hoping for in January. No, we will not celebrate on January 31st at midnight the way we did on December 31st. That would just be crazy. I am just hoping the idea of it will get us back on track and bring back the routine that makes me feel happy and content.